From a Female PhD student: Being pushed by my mother-in-law to have a second kid really hurts – 女博士:被婆婆强迫生二胎好痛苦 – English

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广秀老师:

I’m a PhD student with a two year old daughter. In many people’s eyes I’m a very fortunate woman. My husband treats me pretty good, his parents are also very nice to me. Although I got married far away from home, I don’t feel lonely. However, one thing that I’m unable to get out of my head is that my mother-in-law is really eager for me to give her a grandson. Before the full liberalisation of the one child policy, she would rather see her son give up a well-paid government job, so that we could give her a grandson. Now the policy has changed, and she is even more persistent, ready to move mountains just to get me and my husband to come up with the second pregnancy.

The father-in-law is the youngest child. My mother-in-law says that she lived whole her life for her son, even though she also has a daughter. In her view, however, the daughter is an outsider, the son is her life, therefore she spared no effort to ensure my husband grew up a respectable person. Now he has the best relationship ever with his mother. Although my husband wants two children, he is happy to accept that we ever have only one child. Being under pressure mainly from his mother, he thinks that she went through a lot of hardship to bring him up, yearning that one day she can have a grandson. He simply does not have the heart to disobey her.

If I’m making this choice myself then having a daughter would be enough. I could bring her up properly. Even if I want to have another child, I think it’s also necessary for me to be willing to bring them up. Now the mother-in-law pressures me to get pregnant, and she insists it has to be a son. This makes me feel extremely uncomfortable, as I feel that my own body has no control of itself and I’m being reduced to means of continuing the ancestral line of my husbands family.

As soon as we got married, I argued about this issue with my mother-in-law many times. No matter what I say she is very persistent and has not a slightest intention to compromise. Sometimes I really want to get divorced and forget about this. I can just look after my daughter and let my husband look for a woman who is ready to give him a son. However, whenever I think about it, my daughter needs her father, moreover, the relationship between my husband and me have always been very affectionate, to end our marriage only because of this matter is very unreasonable.

What happened today early morning got me really angry. Due to her shallow sleep, my daughter wakes up and needs someone to get up, cuddle her and rock her back to sleep. Last night from tossing and turning I had to get up three times, since I have pain in my lower back from the giving birth. When she started crying for the fourth time, I really had no more strength to hold a 26 pound girl, so I put her down on the bed. She cried only for a short while and soon fell asleep. Then the mother-in-law came in with some milk and scared the child who started crying incessantly. She only wants me to hold her, not my husband or mother-in-law.

I’m tired and angry. I feel that I’m being treated extremely unfairly. You all are shouting that I should have a baby, but now I can’t even handle one child. If I have one more child then will I have one on my right arm and one on my left arm? Since I’m not not one of those who leave their child to the grandparents, if I really have to give birth, I need to finish my PhD, while doing my research, while taking care of two children. I’m not made of iron. How can I manage?

I know there’s no point in trying to persuade my mother-in-law to give up her obsession, however I also feel it’s unfair to get me to compromise. 我知道孩子生下来是自己的,最终受益者也有我,不生这个孩子我的婚姻生活很难安宁。但我不想那么累,更不想是在被强迫的状态下生。这事是我们家所有矛盾的根源,除此之外,我跟婆婆相处还不错,真不知道该如何解决这个问题,请帮帮我。

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Source : 新浪博客
image source:http://blog.sina.com.cn/s/blog_499ed1890102wv51.html

About Michael Broughton