全职主妇 – Full time housewife – English

  
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First, I’ll talk about my own situation. Before I was married I was employed in a local work unit; after I married, because my husband’s family had their own company, they insisted that I resign from the work unit and join their company, so I immediately resigned.

Over a month ago, something happened. I haven’t been able to erase it from my mind and it continues to haunt me. I don’t want to tell anyone close to me, only I know that my heart holds so much sorrow. My husband and I fell in love and were married five years later; now it’s been two years since we married. Over that time our relationship had always been good, envied among my friends. He said I was his first love. I was never quite convinced that it was true, but he insisted that I was. I thought that regardless of whether or not I was his first love, I just wanted to be the last. Now I am pregnant, and due to give birth in one month. Last month, something happened. My husband said that he was seeing his classmates on Saturday and asked me if I was coming. Because I was pregnant and felt ugly, I didn’t want to see anybody. Also, because I was so close to my due date, I felt that accompanying them to dinner and karaoke was not sensible, so I didn’t go. But then, the unthinkable happened. That night, my husband didn’t arrive home until 2am. After he got home, he told me that a girl he used to have a crush on was there. In the following days, he was chatting on QQ all day and night without sleeping. When he was chatting, he ignored me, or he would squat on the toilet with his phone for one to two hours. I was vaguely becoming aware that I might have a problem: previous nights, no matter how late or cold it was, if I wanted a drink of water, he would get one for me. That evening the water dispenser ran out of water and the new water bottle that had just been delivered was sitting on the floor. I asked him to put it in the water dispenser, but he was on QQ non-stop, and told me to wait. I waited until I fell asleep and didn’t end up getting a drink of water. But what happened after made me even more heart-broken. A few days later he told me he was going out to city ‘A’ to settle an account. He left early in the morning whilst I was still in bed. At that time, I wasn’t suspicious. After work that afternoon, I tried to call him, but his phone was switched off. He didn’t ring back until the evening, and said he wasn’t coming back as he hadn’t found the person and so would look for him again the following day. Because he has two cell phones which are never turned off at the same time, and the signs from the previous two days, I felt that he was lying to me. But when I asked him he didn’t admit anything and so I let it go, half believing, half doubting him. After I hung up the phone he turned his cell phone off again. On the second day of his business trip, my mother-in-law phoned him, but his cellphone was turned off. My mother-in-law was worried and asked me to find out why he still hadn’t come back, and also why neither phone was connecting. I checked and discovered there was no record of a phone call from city ‘A’, but instead there was one from city ‘B’, and also, that a call was made early that morning. I immediately rang the number, a woman answered, it was that woman classmate that he chats with on QQ everyday. I told her straight up to ask ** (my husband’s name) to come to the phone. It was silent on the line for a moment, then she asked me who I was. I said you ought to be able to guess who I am shouldn’t you? Right away I said, let him answer the phone I need to discuss something with him. There was a moment of silence again. After a while she said, he’s not here, you should call him on his cell phone. Then she hung up. After the phone call, I was sure my suspicions were correct. I started shaking from head to toe, my mind was racing, and I was no longer in the mood to work. I calmly told my mother in law that I hadn’t found anything out, and then tried to find a reason to take leave from work and go home.

After I got home I kept thinking: after so many years of happiness, how could he betray me like this? If I wasn’t pregnant I could leave without a care, or if I was in the early stages of pregnancy I would have other options. Now I am in the late stages of my pregnancy; I really can’t accept it any more. Later I found him on QQ, and sent him a direct message saying, don’t lie again, I know everything. If it can stay in the past, then it’s in the past, but if not, then don’t bother coming back. He arrived home as dusk was falling. He came in and spoke to me like nothing had happened. I am a relatively weak person; I confronted him in silence, in tears, and took no notice of him. He kept asking me what was wrong, why I was ignoring him. I said, you know what you have done. What have you been doing for the last two days? He said he really did go to city ‘A’,but the business head wasn’t there so he couldn’t retrieve the money. When I said that I checked his call records, and all his phone calls were from city ‘B’, and that there was no record of any phone calls made from city ‘A’,and asked why he had called his classmate whilst he was away. His explanation to me was that one of his classmates was feeling a bit down and felt like going out. So together with that particular female classmate and several other classmates, he went to city ‘B’, then that same night returned to city ‘A’. After our phone call the previous evening he turned his cell phone off as the power was getting low. When he got to city ‘A’ he realised that he had lost his cell phone. But he had been making calls for two days from city ‘B’. He was still lying to me. My explanation is that he was with his classmates in city ‘B’ the entire time, and just didn’t go to ‘A’ city at all. But he wouldn’t admit to anything, saying he did nothing wrong by me. I felt wronged couldn’t stop crying. I said, in the past when I was employed with the work unit, every time the group went out you didn’t let me go, telling me to wait until you have the time then you’ll take me out for some fun. Up to now you haven’t taken me out. I know you are busy, but you were able to take off two days to spend with her. Then he asked me to think where to go and he’ll take me, or maybe wait until after the baby is born and we can go out together. He also said that in the future, he wouldn’t have any more contact with his classmate.

After the wedding, a lot of things happened with his family and the company. Sometimes he would tell me that I had made a mistake to marry him, I should have married a man who I worked with, and then I would have enjoyed a happy life. I listened touched with emotion and cried. In my heart, that is the type of man, I wanted to marry. Even though it’s tiring, it’s worth it. But at that time, I did not expect him to do something like that. I really don’t know what to do; I feel helpless and I don’t want to talk to anyone about it. Every day, if I remember this matter, I feel especially brokenhearted. These days I am very depressed. I don’t know whether or not I should confront him. On the contrary, he acts as if nothing has happened and asks me what the problem is. I don’t want to raise the issue with him again; he still won’t admit anything. Besides, he already assured me he doesn’t have any contact with his classmates anymore, and that my continual nagging was boring. I simply don’t think he’s telling the truth and I have lost confidence in him. I sometimes secretly have a quick look at his cellphone but haven’t found any more problems. There was nothing on his QQ chat records either; I don’t know how reliable this is, that he hasn’t contacted anyone, or if his records have been deleted. Yet I still can’t forget. When I have nothing to do my mind is full of thoughts. When I start thinking I start to cry. When I cry he either asks me what’s going on or else doesn’t say anything. Eventually, I realised that he does not want to explain things to me again, and he is losing patience with me. Now I just want to find a place to stay by myself to calm down a bit. Yet I don’t want to tell my husband’s parents. Every day I still cope with it and go to work. I don’t know if he has a guilty conscience. I also don’t know how long these matters will continue to trouble me.

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Source : ShuDong

About ginny

I have been learning Chinese on and off since 2005, I currently study (slowly) with two friends at the Confucius Institute in Brisbane. I'm interested in photography, art, languages, gardens, and I've recently discovered an interest in Chinese poetry; ancient and modern, I'm working my way through! I'm also interested in Chinese art and artists. I was an architect before I retired.